2008,  AB,  rants'r'us,  reflection

I have arrived

I’ve been in the Hat now just over a day. 36 or so hours actually. It’s just like I expected from seeing the pics and hearing the stories from J. However, I will say it is not flat here in the Hat. Everyone seems to comment on how flat it is, but in all honesty it’s very hilly (if that’s even a word). There are hills and coulees and valleys/ravines, and some spots are definitely flat but it’s nothing near what I expected. Once you get to the outskirts of town it’s flatter and what one would expect of the Prairies.

I haven’t been here long but I got a short tour yesterday and a longer tour today while we were running errands. Man, the first grocery order is always so brutal but it’s been fun. πŸ™‚ We are having a devil of a time finding a shower curtain we like. It needs to be colourful and we wanted to have the grommets on the top so it wouldn’t rip but it’s damn near impossible in this place. None that we like seem to have the reinforcement on the top. The liners do of course, but none of the actual curtains.

I’m also on the hunt for 2 cloth/canvas boxes with lids. The collapsable kind. White would be ideal but we’d take whatever. It sounds easy enough eh?! Well, not so much I scoured this place all day and came up empty handed. I’m sure Ikea has something like this but we need to get to Calgary before we can see Ikea. That will be a trip we make soon I’m sure.

I will post pictures of this place soon and my weeks leading up to the move. I just am really friggin tired at the moment as it is 3am at home. I’m trying to stay up as late as I can trying to get over this jetlag and sleep past 6am. It makes for a long day to wake that early and then get tired so early in the evening.

I was to J’s work thing tonight. BBQ and glow in the dark golf. I went for the BBQ to sit with him and just see some of the people he works with but I did not stay for the golf. I’d be too tired and plus, I SUCK at golf. I did come home and hang up the curtain rod though so we can have our new curtains up. I think I did a pretty damn good job though too if I do say so myself. πŸ˜‰ But back to this evening, the BBQ was steak and lots of extras to pick from. The steak was great, even though I only had a couple bites because of my aversion to red meat, I liked the salads, etc etc. It was nice to get out for that moment.

Although, I will admit, I feel out of place here. Completely out of place. It’s a slower pace of life, that I’m used to but everyone is so established right out of the gates here it seems. It’s frustrating. Plus, these work things people put on shows to impress and that just isn’t me. Take it or leave it I say.

I can’t place exactly the out of place feeling.

I know some of it has to do with the fact that it’s nothing like Nova Scotia. There isn’t one Bluenoser in the crowd, if there is, they are old and it doesn’t count anyways. Some of it has to do with the fact that everyone has a grown up job and a grown up place and I don’t even have work. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. And there is no way we will have a “grown up” place for quite some time. We will slowly make our condo into a grown up place but it’s going to take a while. I don’t feel welcome here. Yes, it’s only been a few hours or whatever but I didn’t feel that homey feeling when I was out. I got annoyed with people in the grocery store a whole lot faster than I normally do (and that says a lot haha) and I feel like I’m not in the “club”. I’m in my own club. I’m not a “professional”. I don’t make lots of money. I’m not outgoing and bubbly. I’m not a home owner. I’m not newly engaged. I don’t run. I don’t play sports. I’m not anything what these people seem to be. I was hoping to find a glint of a connection tonight, but nope, nothing. My spidey senses tingled…and not in a good way. I didn’t get the first impressions I was hoping for. Maybe the second will be better but I’m a pretty good judge of character and what fits into my life. We’ll see. I’m not going to count anything out, I just didn’t get what I was hoping for. But at the same time, I don’t know what I was expecting.

On a side note, I finally found my dream table. A high dark wood table with chairs that have an ‘x’ on the back with soft off-white cushioned seats. It even had a removable leaf to make it a long rectangular table instead of the square. The price was right too but wouldn’t you know, only the floor model was left. I would take it with a couple dings, that wasn’t a problem, but the person who assembled it must have done something funky when screwing the legs on because it looks like a screw is going to come through the top of the table. Deal breaker for me. But I can’t stop thinking about it. We are going to call around to different Bays to see if they have it in stock or something. It’s a discontinued model but I really want it. So there is that story. So if you live near a bay and can get one for me I’ll work something out. lol

But with all this going on and the feelings that are constantly swirling around in my head, I would not give it up for anything. I have my husband beside me once again and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. It’s right where I need to be. I’ve made it through the rough patches in Moncton when I didn’t have any friends. I made it through last year in Fredericton after all our friends moved away. I’ve made it through things worse than this. It’s going to take time and that was to be expected. I don’t find my niche as easily as others do when I start something new. I’m not an open book, I realize this. That is something I probably need to work on but, honestly, I’m quite content being me. It’s taken me the better part of the past 27 years to mould myself into what I have become and to learn to love ‘me’ and I can’t start doubting that now. I know I’m going to have to keep myself reminded of that and it’ll be a struggle at times but I’ll do it and make it through and be fine. Actually, be great.

I’ll probably post many a questioning blog, a ranting blog and fun blog and I’m sure there will be some tears..but that’s life. I’ll call in a fit and have a breakdown but that’s what will help me get through to the next day. It’s what I’ll do. Cry and freak out and then the next minute later feel great, after getting that pent up whatever off of my chest. So don’t worry when it happens. It doesn’t mean I actually hate it here, even if I say it in the heat of the moment. Just let me vent, let me get it off of my chest and let me know you are there listening and/or reading and I’ll be fine.

It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t question every little move. If I didn’t have to convince myself to do something, to say something. It’s what I do. Self-doubt, doubt anything and everything and want to back myself into a corner and hide but I always rise to the occasion and this will be no different. It will be done on my own time and on my own terms.


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