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2019 has arrived.
I made it through Christmas. I did better than I thought I would. The kids excitement got us through. Seeing them be happy and just be kids instead of kids carrying a burden that is much larger than themselves was good for the soul. I love how they would just remember Noah or talk about him out of the blue about something that struck their memory. They each had their moments of realization though and it was a hard conversation or a long sit together in a knowing silence but overall, I survived Christmas. The dread for me was yesterday. It was today. Everyone was reminiscing over their year of…
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I open Facebook to see one of those year in review posts that they do with your photos and I instantly felt anxiety creep up into my throat. 2018 was not the year I thought it would be. I can only imagine the photos the algorithm picked out. It has been the worst year of our lives. It wasn’t a year I overly want to review or celebrate. I started the year with a blog telling everyone about the 11 week pregnancy I lost over New Years that I titled, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out 2017” and the last line read, “we are entering 2018…
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Four
4. This fourth year without you has been extra awful. If there was ever a time a girl needed their mother, it’s been this last year for me. I can’t even explain how heavy my heart has been and how heavy it’ll continue to be. If you were here I know you’d be walking this heartbreak with me. Truly with me, even with our provinces divide. But, I’ve found myself navigating this inexplicable loss and wondering what you might have said or feeling your warm hand between my “chicken wings”. But with all the loss of the past year, I haven’t forgotten you. Your greatest worry after passing was being…
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If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milkshakes
This week has been filled with a lot. It’s snowing today. Just like it was this exact time last year. Except this year I was prepared with boots for Charlotte. 😛 But all I can think is of my little man who loved to hate the snow. The snow made him laugh and he’d do his little shuffle stomp and then keep walking. Noah would have loved this snow as long as he didn’t have to feel cold and wet too long (haha) and he hasn’t been far from my thoughts all day.
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Today is a hard day
It’s been an ordinary day, not unlike any of the others in the past 3.5 months but today my grief metre filled and overflowed. I’m mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally broken. As I write this, this is my view: Laying broken on his bedroom floor staring at the basically life size photo his brothers require to have in here. The days where it all catches up is the worst. You think maybe, just maybe you can manage and then realize nope, not today. The toll this all has taken on our household is indescribable. My kids used to be so good with going to bed and sleeping. Not any more.…