• 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    458 days

    September 1st. Or as Elijah still mistakenly calls it sometimes, the “oneth.” Let me tell you 458 days, or 15 months, feels like a lifetime ago. I’m still not sure how I’m going to come back from this when I know you don’t. The physical pain in my chest whenever I think about that morning has not lessened. The ache is just too much. I can’t even process it most days. I’m just busy trying not to be a complete asshole to my kids because my emotional bank is pretty much full from the moment I wake up and remember my reality. The grief and sadness fills the place where…

  • 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    You would have been 7.

    April 1, 2019. You should have been 7. Lucky #7. Instead, you are forever 6 and it’s exactly 10 months since you left us. I don’t know how I’m going to process and manage the day. A birthday with no streamers and celebration. We will of course celebrate you best we are able and remember but it won’t be a joyous celebration of yet another year under your belt wondering what this next year was going to entail. Last year you were on the precipice of BIG things. I saw it. Everyone else saw it. You were changing. You were so strong and finally showing everyone what we already knew…how…

  • 2018,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    I don’t know…

    It seems insurmountable most days. How is this my life….for the rest of my life?  There is no escaping this reality. It’s not going to “get better”. It can’t be fixed. It can’t be forgotten. I will forever have a son who now only lives in my heart and throughout our memories. There is going to be years of experiences and moments where I think “Noah would have loved this”, “Noah should be right there”, etc. I’m sure there might even be times where my mind wanders and sees him forever my 6 year year old. As this school year started, the excitement I usually have is gone. I just don’t…

  • 2018,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    Once upon a dream

    I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam And I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem But if I know you, I know what you’ll do You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream   This morning after your sister woke up at 5am, I went back to sleep and for the first time you came to me in my dream. It wasn’t until the end but we were living in Stellarton, my house was on the main street not far from where my Gram…

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