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You would have been 7.
April 1, 2019. You should have been 7. Lucky #7. Instead, you are forever 6 and it’s exactly 10 months since you left us. I don’t know how I’m going to process and manage the day. A birthday with no streamers and celebration. We will of course celebrate you best we are able and remember but it won’t be a joyous celebration of yet another year under your belt wondering what this next year was going to entail. Last year you were on the precipice of BIG things. I saw it. Everyone else saw it. You were changing. You were so strong and finally showing everyone what we already knew…how…
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I open Facebook to see one of those year in review posts that they do with your photos and I instantly felt anxiety creep up into my throat. 2018 was not the year I thought it would be. I can only imagine the photos the algorithm picked out. It has been the worst year of our lives. It wasn’t a year I overly want to review or celebrate. I started the year with a blog telling everyone about the 11 week pregnancy I lost over New Years that I titled, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out 2017” and the last line read, “we are entering 2018…
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If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milkshakes
This week has been filled with a lot. It’s snowing today. Just like it was this exact time last year. Except this year I was prepared with boots for Charlotte. 😛 But all I can think is of my little man who loved to hate the snow. The snow made him laugh and he’d do his little shuffle stomp and then keep walking. Noah would have loved this snow as long as he didn’t have to feel cold and wet too long (haha) and he hasn’t been far from my thoughts all day.
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Today is a hard day
It’s been an ordinary day, not unlike any of the others in the past 3.5 months but today my grief metre filled and overflowed. I’m mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally broken. As I write this, this is my view: Laying broken on his bedroom floor staring at the basically life size photo his brothers require to have in here. The days where it all catches up is the worst. You think maybe, just maybe you can manage and then realize nope, not today. The toll this all has taken on our household is indescribable. My kids used to be so good with going to bed and sleeping. Not any more.…
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I don’t know…
It seems insurmountable most days. How is this my life….for the rest of my life? There is no escaping this reality. It’s not going to “get better”. It can’t be fixed. It can’t be forgotten. I will forever have a son who now only lives in my heart and throughout our memories. There is going to be years of experiences and moments where I think “Noah would have loved this”, “Noah should be right there”, etc. I’m sure there might even be times where my mind wanders and sees him forever my 6 year year old. As this school year started, the excitement I usually have is gone. I just don’t…