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My Mom
My world stopped when I got the call from my broken-hearted brother that I should get home as soon as I possibly could. It was the call I was dreading for days, but somehow suspected was coming. I got a flight that night (thanks to the most amazing WestJet employee who, after 1.5 hours, managed to find me a way out of Calgary) and got to my Mom’s side as quick as I could. I held her hand. I introduced her to Oliver and he held her fingers. And I talked, or rather mumbled and blubbered, and sat in silence with my brothers waiting on a miracle that never came.…
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Am I Scared? Yes. But I am happy.
We have sat on this new family development longer than we have with any of our other boys. But, this time feels different. I lost something in my last pregnancy and months after that I can never get back. Innocence. I will admit, I was scared when we decided we did want another child and am scared of what the future might hold, but I’m trying not to let that rule the roost. That is easier said than done but I’m trying. There are times I wonder what on Earth were we thinking and other times I worry about the health of this baby. I know, every parent does but…
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PTSD ?
PTSD. Something can be said for all we’ve gone through. It’s given me severe anxiety in certain situations. It doesn’t take much to make me flashback. There’s the smell that is in the MH NICU. Well that whole wing. Since the entrance shares the hallway to L&D it has a smell and atmosphere all to it’s own. It instantly can throw me back into one of the darkest times in my life and make me an emotional mess. There are certain wings and rooms in ACH that does the same. Even certain Doctors. There are deodorants, soaps, hand sanitizers, and even certain food & drinks that make me relive it all. It…
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I want to be Mom
and only Mom. I forget how to be “Mom” now. I’m a physical therapist, speech language pathologist, vision therapist, occupational therapist, researcher, advocate, and all around president of the “Noah corporation”. I’m learning a new language in hopes I will be able to break into my son’s world and let his voice out one way or the other. I’m so much more than I ever thought, or wanted, to be. I just want to put all those other roles away and just be Mom. Nothing else. I want to worry about the amount of food he is or isn’t eating and not panic about weight gain and the amount of…
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Repeat After Me
*deep breath* I am not afraid. I was born for this. I am not afraid. I was born for this. I am not afraid. I was born for this. *exhale*