• 2019

    Grief is like the Ocean

    Still drowning but learning to try and hold my own. Most days. The riptide catches me often and the treading is near impossible so I surrender to the darkness until the tides shift and I’m able to pull myself to the surface and breathe again. Today I’m drowning. Drowning in anxiety, fear, heartbreak, sadness. I see my Facebook memories from 365 days ago and I was packing my bags to head to Ontario, I was with all my kids, I was being silly with Noah at the supper table, I was feeling some anxiety as I haven’t been away from all my kids ever and I didn’t know what I…

  • 2019,  Grieving Mom

    May 28, 2019

    May 28, 2019. May 28, 2018. The world kept spinning completely oblivious to the monumental shift that occurred in my world. The peony is back about to give me it’s beautiful flowers to spread throughout my home but it’s missing my gardening sidekick who loved to pick the petals apart. As I looked at the peony today all I could see was this photo in my mind and how much I miss that sneaky snook. Watching the world continue on as nothing has changed has been some of the hardest parts. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. Looking at the plant all I could see was how…

  • 2019

    It Takes a Village

    As we are approaching the 1 year mark, a lot of thoughts have been running through my head as you can imagine. Some of it I write and don’t share and some of it I have/will share. But, I keep coming back to the people who surrounded us June 1st and beyond. You know as they say, “it takes a village to raise a child” and it certainly does but I have learned that it also takes a village to bury a child. A large village. As every cell in my body that created Noah’s body was crying out in pain I became surrounded by a village I knew I…

  • 2019

    On this day

    One year ago today we were happy and as carefree as parents can be with 4 kids on a Ferry crossing the Northumberland. Unknowing this would be the last family photo we would take that would include Noah. Oh how my heart breaks looking at this but at the same time brings joy. A year ago seems like forever ago now. It feels like forever since we felt that joy and unique chaos of our old life. Our “before” life. This accidental photo is our last of that “before.” We were just going to take a photo of the kids when a stranger approached us and said we must take…

  • 2019

    Mothers Day

    Mothers Day 2019. My last “first.” *sigh* I haven’t been looking forward to the day to celebrate Moms. Where all of social media bombards you with beautiful photos, memories, quotes of people celebrating their Mothers and their own Motherhood. And I sit here motherless with 3 angel babies and carrying Noah in my heart trying to pretend it was just another day. Just wishing it was another day. The build-up to today was actually worse than the day itself but that seems to be the same with any holiday or day of importance. It has been bittersweet since 2015 and I’ve been trying to keep it in the back of…

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