Am I Scared? Yes. But I am happy.

We have sat on this new family development longer than we have with any of our other boys. But, this time feels different. I lost something in my last pregnancy and months after that I can never get back. Innocence.

I will admit, I was scared when we decided we did want another child and am scared of what the future might hold, but I’m trying not to let that rule the roost. That is easier said than done but I’m trying. There are times I wonder what on Earth were we thinking and other times I worry about the health of this baby. I know, every parent does but this time it’s different. The worry goes deeper than I thought possible. But most times, there is such a sense of peace and calm and I know this was the right decision for us. It’s hard to explain so I won’t even try.

I will say that I felt like by hiding this news and not telling those closest to me from the very beginning allowed the fear to build and gave me no where to let go of my anxiety except onto the shoulders of J. The biggest thing that bothered me once we got to a more “safe zone” (even though I know there really is no such thing) is it didn’t allow this baby to be celebrated like his/her siblings were and that’s not fair. I want people to be excited, to guess in baby pools about gender, and to just send their happy thoughts out into the Universe. I want things to feel ‘normal’ as it can….whatever that means.

So here I am putting anything and everything out there. So here it goes:

Yes, I am scared.
Yes, I realize a lot of work is going to be involved and how hard it might be is.
Yes, CHARGE Syndrome can happen again.
Yes, we might be a little nuts having 3 under 4.
Yes, I worry a little bit every week.

But I am happy. And excited. And in love already. And really, that’s what matters because this baby may or may not be healthy. It may or not be typical developing. It may or may not be another boy born with strawberry blond hair. It may or may not have my crooked fingers and J’s partially webbed toes. I have no control over any of those things. This is all already decided and is 100% out of my control so I need to focus on the things I can control. I just need to trust that everything will be the way it’s meant to be and we will manage and thrive with whatever we are given.

And there you have it.