• 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    My arms are longing for 5

    ….to hold my 5 children. Not 4. 5. As I was sitting in the rocking chair that I’ve rocked all my babies in while putting Bennett to bed, his hair brushed my lips & cheek in a way that, for a brief moment, I thought I was holding you. Then I remembered. There was something pretty special about your “wild man hair” as I called it. It was uniquely yours. It was controlled chaos. We’d style your hair and 9/10 you would immediately rub it to make it stand up and go out every which way. You much preferred the un-kept look. It constantly would tickle the nose of the…

  • 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    458 days

    September 1st. Or as Elijah still mistakenly calls it sometimes, the “oneth.” Let me tell you 458 days, or 15 months, feels like a lifetime ago. I’m still not sure how I’m going to come back from this when I know you don’t. The physical pain in my chest whenever I think about that morning has not lessened. The ache is just too much. I can’t even process it most days. I’m just busy trying not to be a complete asshole to my kids because my emotional bank is pretty much full from the moment I wake up and remember my reality. The grief and sadness fills the place where…

  • 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    You would have been 7.

    April 1, 2019. You should have been 7. Lucky #7. Instead, you are forever 6 and it’s exactly 10 months since you left us. I don’t know how I’m going to process and manage the day. A birthday with no streamers and celebration. We will of course celebrate you best we are able and remember but it won’t be a joyous celebration of yet another year under your belt wondering what this next year was going to entail. Last year you were on the precipice of BIG things. I saw it. Everyone else saw it. You were changing. You were so strong and finally showing everyone what we already knew…how…

  • 2019,  BabyA2019

    The light breaking through the clouds

    This is me minutes after giving birth to Bennett. It’s unfiltered. It’s just me in the moment. I absolutely love this photo. People have been asking how can I possibly look this good minutes after giving birth. Half joking, half serious. But honestly, it was the cumulation of 9.5 months of Hell, fear, anticipation and worry and being able to put most of it behind me. When I see this photo and I see the joy radiating from my face. I see a look in my eye that has been missing since June 1st. It’s every bit of happiness I may have stifled or pushed aside since losing Noah came…

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