Christmas without You
It’s true what they say. Year 2 is by far harder than year 1 after a loss of your child. I’m now longer just trying to survive all the firsts and just remembering to breathe but I’m tasked with the daunting task of trying to figure out how to live without you my dear Noah. It’s an insurmountable. It doesn’t feel possible. I struggled with Christmas this year. I couldn’t find the excitement. I couldn’t escape the sad. I was behind on everything. I withdrew from social media. I cried almost every night while sitting in the dark nursing your brother to bed. I longed to see you staring at…
Missing you comes in waves
and today I am drowning.
My arms are longing for 5
….to hold my 5 children. Not 4. 5. As I was sitting in the rocking chair that I’ve rocked all my babies in while putting Bennett to bed, his hair brushed my lips & cheek in a way that, for a brief moment, I thought I was holding you. Then I remembered. There was something pretty special about your “wild man hair” as I called it. It was uniquely yours. It was controlled chaos. We’d style your hair and 9/10 you would immediately rub it to make it stand up and go out every which way. You much preferred the un-kept look. It constantly would tickle the nose of the…
September 1st. Or as Elijah still mistakenly calls it sometimes, the “oneth.” Let me tell you 458 days, or 15 months, feels like a lifetime ago. I’m still not sure how I’m going to come back from this when I know you don’t. The physical pain in my chest whenever I think about that morning has not lessened. The ache is just too much. I can’t even process it most days. I’m just busy trying not to be a complete asshole to my kids because my emotional bank is pretty much full from the moment I wake up and remember my reality. The grief and sadness fills the place where…
This week has been hard. There has been lots of big feelings. I did however step out of my comfort zone Tuesday evening to go to a meeting with other local Moms who lost a child. I almost backed out. The kids were wild (made me late) and my anxiety was off the charts. Those who know me well know I struggle with social anxiety and being with people who I haven’t known my whole life. I’m awkward. I’m shy. I struggle with small talk and eye contact but I put one foot in front of the other and went and I’m glad I did. It was just what I…