2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

My arms are longing for 5

….to hold my 5 children. Not 4. 5. As I was sitting in the rocking chair that I’ve rocked all my babies in while putting Bennett to bed, his hair brushed my lips & cheek in a way that, for a brief moment, I thought I was holding you. Then I remembered.

There was something pretty special about your “wild man hair” as I called it. It was uniquely yours. It was controlled chaos. We’d style your hair and 9/10 you would immediately rub it to make it stand up and go out every which way. You much preferred the un-kept look. It constantly would tickle the nose of the person who’s lap you stole and for that brief moment I felt it again.

Today I’ve struggled with having only 4 little bodies, ok 3 little bodies & 1 large body, to hold. I always said I wanted 4 kids. I also pictured 4 around our table as grown ups coming home. For years I saw 4 blond haired children running through my backyard and I couldn’t reconcile it because after Noah was born he didn’t fit that image that kept popping up in my dreams. I mourned losing that dream. I laughed in defiance when numerous mediums told me they saw 5. I just couldn’t see it. Then we lost some pregnancies and I wanted it. Badly. I wanted 5. Now my dreams of 4 running fit the reality and I hate it. I would give anything to have the Ashton 5 running after each other together.

Today I’ve struggled with the idea that there is so much I’m forgetting. There’s so much more I will forget. Why on Earth can I remember every stupid or embarrassing thing I said in the past 10 years (and still agonize over) and forget the littlest detail, the sound of his voice, the cool memories that pop up on FB or my blog or all.the.things he did to make me smile?? It seems so unfair why my brain chooses what it does to easily remember and what it is letting slip away. I get angry that it chooses these embarrassing or painful over the beautiful. It’s not fair.

None of this is fair.

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