• 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    Christmas without You

    It’s true what they say. Year 2 is by far harder than year 1 after a loss of your child. I’m now longer just trying to survive all the firsts and just remembering to breathe but I’m tasked with the daunting task of trying to figure out how to live without you my dear Noah. It’s an insurmountable. It doesn’t feel possible. I struggled with Christmas this year. I couldn’t find the excitement. I couldn’t escape the sad. I was behind on everything. I withdrew from social media. I cried almost every night while sitting in the dark nursing your brother to bed. I longed to see you staring at…

  • 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    My arms are longing for 5

    ….to hold my 5 children. Not 4. 5. As I was sitting in the rocking chair that I’ve rocked all my babies in while putting Bennett to bed, his hair brushed my lips & cheek in a way that, for a brief moment, I thought I was holding you. Then I remembered. There was something pretty special about your “wild man hair” as I called it. It was uniquely yours. It was controlled chaos. We’d style your hair and 9/10 you would immediately rub it to make it stand up and go out every which way. You much preferred the un-kept look. It constantly would tickle the nose of the…

  • 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    458 days

    September 1st. Or as Elijah still mistakenly calls it sometimes, the “oneth.” Let me tell you 458 days, or 15 months, feels like a lifetime ago. I’m still not sure how I’m going to come back from this when I know you don’t. The physical pain in my chest whenever I think about that morning has not lessened. The ache is just too much. I can’t even process it most days. I’m just busy trying not to be a complete asshole to my kids because my emotional bank is pretty much full from the moment I wake up and remember my reality. The grief and sadness fills the place where…

  • 2019,  Grieving Mom

    May 28, 2019

    May 28, 2019. May 28, 2018. The world kept spinning completely oblivious to the monumental shift that occurred in my world. The peony is back about to give me it’s beautiful flowers to spread throughout my home but it’s missing my gardening sidekick who loved to pick the petals apart. As I looked at the peony today all I could see was this photo in my mind and how much I miss that sneaky snook. Watching the world continue on as nothing has changed has been some of the hardest parts. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. Looking at the plant all I could see was how…

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