Another day in the vicious cycle

I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon and evening in tears convinced that when MFM calls it’s not going to be good news. It’s like a reoccurring bad dream where they tell me and I fall to the ground in tears and somehow have to call your Dad. It keeps playing over and over. Is it because my instinct is trying to prepare me or just me being over paranoid? It’s only been 3 weeks of waiting and I worry it’s going to be 3 more.

We’ve sent an email to our genetic counselor to see if she can find out turnaround time so we will have a better idea of when to expect the call (hopefully). I just have this horrible image then I get stuck on the ultrasound pictures again. They are so similar, yet different to N’s images in some ways. But similar enough to make me worry, which is ridiculous because all babies look the same in ultrasounds and I didn’t have the clearer images with E because all my scans were done here so they aren’t the greatest quality. Then I went through the photos and every one with your mouth open it’s not symmetrical and one looks so much like N’s “popeye face” I began to cry sure it is facial palsy. It’s ridiculous (I know it is), but I couldn’t help it. I still can’t. It’s where my mind went and I hate that. I hate this waiting. It’s downright brutal and I’m not usually the most patient or optimistic person as it is. It makes me wonder if it’s just my gut being right or me just being ridiculous. I just feel like I need to talk about it but I have no one to talk to about it. J kind of just gets quiet and I know he’s scared too. The unknown is a scary place to be in, especially when you lost a certain innocence last time and can’t be sort of oblivious. Everyone else tells me “odds are in your favour”, “I feel your worry is for nothing and all will be well” and I know it and a few short weeks ago I was believing it but waiting on something you don’t know the answer to is just pure torture. I need to cling to the hope and fact that it’s a 3 vessel cord and that you open your mouth a lot and even looked like you were trying to suck your thumb. In one of the profiles and your mouth is open, your mouth looks huge which again is hopefully a positive thing.

So bear with me please and let me stress (but not too much) in the coming weeks without you feeling any negatives effects. I’m trying to remain hopeful and positive for you because you deserve it. Deep down no matter what the outcome is, you are loved and we’ve already been done this road before so either way we won’t be newbies. We can take solace in that, whether you are typical or not we have been done both of those roads before.

So I’ll share one of your photos from last week. Beautiful! 🙂