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My hiatus is over.
I’ve been away from the from the writing, journaling, blogging yet again. This time it’s because I made the choice this past year to focus on me and fixing me. I’ve finally decided that I can’t do it all myself and be super Mom without checking in with professionals and working through my baggage. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. Yes, you can have PTSD from being a medical parent. No, it’s not just for soldiers. I knew for a long time that was what I was suffering from but I thought I could over come it or it would go away in time or if I avoided it long enough…
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Past words of a loved one
I stumbled across Mom’s old blog tonight. I was using my old computer and it was one of my few bookmarks and I clicked it and was surprised it’s still there. I found myself re-reading her words and missing her. Then I found this post from July 2011: I read this poem today and I’m not being morbid but it expresses what I wish for as well. Please don’t mourn for me I’m still here, though you don’t see. I’m right by your side each night and day and within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone but I’m always near. I’m everything you feel, see or hear.…
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731 days
2 years ago. 2 years!! You were there for my first breath and I was there for your last. The gravity of those 2 moments are not lost on me as a Mother myself. I keep remembering the feeling when my kids entered this world and then think about them having to go through this when my time comes. I wish I could spare them from this, but this is the way it “should” go. Parents shouldn’t have to bury their children but, having to say Goodbye to your Mom years too soon is hard. It’s a difficult process you cannot prepare for until it happens. You couldn’t have taught me how…
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Alone.
Alone. To be alone. How can I feel alone surrounded by my husband and my children? Without them I would be physically alone. Sure, people will say “you’ve got me” and all that, but do I? I know I haven’t been a great friend, the friend I was 4.5 years ago but time and all that has changed me. It changed the way people interact with me. It changed the way I interact with them. Did it change my feelings about the important people in my life? No. I know connections have been lost and I’m partially to blame and even though I have “an excuse”, I don’t. People always…
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C’s Birth Story *LONG*
Short Version: Sunday 5:47AM – Messaged our Doula (L) to tell her I thought things were going to happen today because I woke with a rock hard stomach and just had a feeling 9:07AM – Having signs early labour was starting & we started messaging friends to find childcare for the boys 11:02AM – Messaged a friend to come over so we would be ready when it was time 11:03AM – Texted our Doula to let her know I was now having regular contractions (4-6min apart & 45sec-1min in duration) & managing well 11:08AM – I decided we should get Doula to come over 11:13AM – Friend arrived 11:19AM – Doula arrived 11:38AM – Leave…