Still drowning but learning to try and hold my own. Most days. The riptide catches me often and the treading is near impossible so I surrender to the darkness until the tides shift and I’m able to pull myself to the surface and breathe again.
Today I’m drowning. Drowning in anxiety, fear, heartbreak, sadness. I see my Facebook memories from 365 days ago and I was packing my bags to head to Ontario, I was with all my kids, I was being silly with Noah at the supper table, I was feeling some anxiety as I haven’t been away from all my kids ever and I didn’t know what I could say once I got to Ontario, I had a “normal” day of therapy and parenthood. I still don’t understand how this is our life?!
The anxiety I feel today about putting my kids to bed tonight is off the charts. I don’t want to flip the calendar on the side of the fridge. If I ignore it, maybe it will go away? I can only dream at this point. I will have to accept the sadness I’ll awake to once the year milestone is officially reached. My heart is going to ache. It’s going to feel extra raw.
Right now “learning to swim” feels so far away. Impossible even. I feel like I’m constantly going to be bouncing between drowning and getting my head just above water so I can breathe again before being pulled back under. <3