Cookies, turkeys, chow, Mitch Miller….

*Mitch Miller Christmas playing in the background*

Is it wrong that I push family away this time of year because I miss you. I know if I’m asking the question it is. But I can’t stop it. I will do whatever I can to avoid the hurt…the aching my heart feels…when I should be drawing closer, I pull away. It’s the way I’ve always been and that hasn’t changed I guess. I don’t think I want it to change either. I don’t want to. I don’t want people to talk to me about it either. I don’t want it acknowledged.

I pretend everything’s ok.

I sometimes forget it did happen. I talk in present tense and have to stop and correct myself.

I still love you, you know. I think about you almost every day, if not every day twice a day.

I’ve been missing you a lot recently. Do you miss me?

I’m sorry I’ve never been to visit you but I can’t. I can’t. It brings more realness that I don’t want to handle. I’m not strong enough. I always say I’m going to but other things come up and I’m left feeling even sadder because I didn’t. It’s a horrid circle that I’m stuck in. It’s almost shameful and I’m sorry.

I wish I could have been there. I should have. I can’t change the past but I will avoid it best I can.

But do you at least hear me talking to you?

I try to keep you updated. I felt you in the Sharon. I did notice. I ask you questions frequently about cookies and turkeys and most recently, chow. I had no idea what I was doing and needed someone to tell me what to do. It turned out in the end though. I did something right…Greg and Mom like it. Next on tap will be a deep dish apple pie and Strawberry Jam so I’m at a loss already…be ready for a bombardment of questions and calls out for divine guidance. hehe

However, I’ve been assured by a very well-spoken 4 year old that you are taken care of. It went something like this.

Child 1: My fish is dead.
Child 2: My grandpa is dead.
Child 1: Yea.
Child 2: He’s in Heaven so God can take care of him.
Me: That’s nice, child 2. My Gram is there too you know.
Child 2: Oh. So is my grandpa.
Me: And do you know what, my 2 grandpa’s and Gram is there too. I only have 1 Nan left.
Child 2: (shocked expression) Wow. Not my Grandmas. But God has them all in Heaven
Me: Yea. 🙂
Child 2: I think my Grandpa and your Grandma are friends and they are taking care of each other. We’ll see them again you know. They are probably the best of friends I think.
Me: Do you know what ‘child 2’, I think you’re right. 🙂 🙂
Child 2: Yup!

That’s what makes everything ok in the end.

I can’t be selfish and child 2’s grandfather needs a friend and someone to take care of him too. 🙂