That’s me today. I feel the pressure and it’s going to be explosive. I don’t know what has me feeling so angry and frustrated but it’s there. I’m cranky as Hell. I’m not with other people, I’m trying my best to be civil but it’s there constantly reminding me.
My whole body goes tense and I want to scream. I want to hit something and hopefully it’s cathartic enough to stop the blow-out that may ensue if I can’t shake this.
Depression is anger turned inwards. So that may explain the past while but can it go in reverse and suddenly revert back to anger turned outwards. I haven’t felt depressed but it seems to be the best explanation because I’ve been angry for a while. That wears on people. It wears on me. It’s not who I am. I’m angry over dumb things out of my control and the big things are no big deal.
Things came to a head last night between me and a guy who will remain nameless (not John). And really, it was friggin unsettling. Probably what has me in this funk of today. I better wake up relieved and happier tomorrow.
I had a great day at work. That’s the ironic part.
The kids were great, we did lots of fun stuff and I just played and laughed like never before.
Then I leave and the things I must have been avoiding catch me. Grab ahold of me. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want people talking to me. It’s something I deal with myself and by writing.
Writing takes me to a place where I can breathe a little easier and I laugh at myself when it’s all said and done. Free association and plain out rambling is soothing to the soul. This is me. This is who I am. At least for the 2 minutes it takes to type it. Then that thought is over. I have moved on. But it’s out there for the world to see.
Should I post all this nonsense. I sometimes wonder because I hear it can be damaging but if someone wants to take someone’s ramblings and on the spot thoughts to be the complete definition of someone, I don’t want to really get to know them anyways.
People always judge. It just saves me the time of having to explain myself. To go back in the past. I don’t have to put on a false front for anyone. It lets people see “me.” The nutty, fun loving, cursing me. Before anyone asks, I went crazy long ago. You have to be some sort of crazy to do what I do for a living. It’s rather liberating. It’s rewarding.
It’s like the old rhyme goes “……..for those who know me, know me well….for those who don’t, can go to He…..H-E-double hockeysticks….” I’ll never actually tell someone to go to H#$@ because it’s rather rude and uncalled for but it gets my point across I suppose. The implication is there. To wish someone eternal damnation for giving me a hard time is a little harsh don’t you think!? lol
So needless to say, my mind and soul are duking it out and haven’t felt like letting me in on the secret. What on earth they are fighting for…..who knows. It has just made me feel like a volcano on the verge of erupting and that I don’t like.
So you’ve been warned. I don’t want to explode at anyone, I REALLY don’t. Heed my warning.
Such a long winded post, but it has made me to feel better. There’s just something about free association and letting your fingers do the talking. They just go and go and give me something to smile at when I’m done. It’s my artwork. It’s my contribution….as lack-lustre as it is.
Mt. Vesuvius out. Catch you on the flip side.