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Recluse

Posted by on February 21, 2008

I haven’t been around….but I have.

I’ve been completely uninspired…

and blah…

I feel like I don’t have the time to blog. But I have nothing but time.

But I always find excuses. Kind of like everything else now it seems.

Is it winter blues? Probably. Hopefully.

But nevertheless, I’m not feeling up to my a-game. I tried to stay away from the blog and to put it out there because all I seem to do is complain. I worry people thinking I’m fishing for compliments or pity. But that couldn’t be further from the truth!

I am feeling really low on myself. I’m having problems taking my own advice and not worrying about the outside and the extra pudge and the feeling of isolation. But honestly. I’m trying.

I haven’t tried this hard in a long time. I’m trying to reopen connections that have been lost but it’s just not happening. I could “guilt” it to happen I’m sure but then I don’t want it. It won’t be meaningful.

It won’t be what I have had invisioned.

But is this what I’ve invisioned?! No, not so much.

I feel like a disappointment. A failure. Something people just don’t bother with unless it suits them and only when it suits them. I’ve examined everything that needs to be examined but it always comes back on me. That I’m not happy with the physical me.

I don’t want it to matter. I don’t want it in my thoughts.  I want to be accepting like I once was and embrace every nook and cranny and soft spot. But all I see is gross.

It saddens John to hear me talk like this…it saddens my Mom to hear me talk like this…heck it saddens myself to hear me talk like this but I can’t keep it in all the time. I know people see glimpses of the doubt and the saddness but if you only knew what is going on in my head.

I don’t see what everyone else sees.

Or is that they don’t see  what actually is…what I actually see?!

Who knows. I don’t really care…but I do.

It frustrates me.

Shouldn’t it be that the older I get the easier and more accepting I am of myself. I was always told that and now I don’t know if that was the truth.

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