It’s only been a few days since the last post.
I had the flu so I had a day of downtime and detailed dreams that have led me to figure me out.
I’ve done more soul searching and “self-diagnosing” and I’ve come up with a theory.
For a while I have been looking elsewhere to other people, places, and things….but maybe that is the easiest. It’s easier to put blame and focus outwards than to turn it inwards. But recently, I have turned it all inwards and the soul-searching has finally turned up to be useful.
I think I’ve found my answers….as obvious as they are going to seem.
It all came together last night at Dolan’s while drinking a sweet, sweet Whiskey Sour with John and listening to Shameless. I was belting along with Mr. Jones and then along came the line I’ve sung for a million times and last night it struck a cord.
“She dances while his father plays guitar
She’s suddenly beautiful
We all want something beautiful
I wish I was beautiful”
“We all want something beautiful….I wish I was beautiful….” I thought of the times when I felt most beautiful and it came down to the summer of 2003 and the whole year of Summer 2005-2006. All along I was thinking about the times I was happiest and it seemed to be times I was single, with exception to 2006. But then it hit me.
It wasn’t because I was single that I was happiest. It was because I was constantly doing the things I loved to do. Go out dancing with my friends, spending days at the beach, just driving and listening to music. I was doing whatever I felt like and was having a great time doing it. Every weekend I was doing something I *loved* to do. I was with the people who loved me and I was having a blast! I had the time.
But now, I’m not doing those things. Partially because weather doesn’t permit and partially because we’ve all moved so far away. It’s not because of them. It’s not because I’m “an old married woman”. It’s because of me.
I have lost myself.
I have lost myself in my relationship and in work. It’s no one’s fault but time. There isn’t enough. I put relationship and work first and me second/third. I thought I had to, to make it work. But I need to put myself first and go from there.
My relationship won’t be any less important but I need to find where I fit outside of the relationship. It’s going to be hard to do because most of the things I love to do require summer weather and/or lots of money. I have neither.
I worry because things are only going to ‘get worse’ for me in a few short months. I will be even further removed and almost isolated. I need a hobby. A real hobby. I love to do website stuff but there is only so much I can do to this blog and my website. But that is a love. I could start to play the guitar again but I don’t know if I have the patience because rhythm isn’t coming to me like I would and I don’t know where to start. I want an easy hobby to start. I think I would like to take up sewing and make a quilt but again, it’s not something I’m ‘feeling’ right now.
I’m craving the sun. The warm, warm sun.
I’m craving my family. My girlfriends.
These are the only things missing out of my life here in this town. It sounds so simple to solve but not so much.
I need to let things work themselves out and fall where they may and just be myself and focus on myself. But that’s hard to do. I don’t think I was raised to put myself first. It’s not in my DNA. Women, especially mothers, are taught to put everything in front of themselves. It’s always about the children first and sometimes spouses…leaving themselves in the distant 3rd place. It’s the way it had to be. But in doing that, how are they supposed to teach their children to put their needs first. It’s a vicious circle.
I need to refocus and re-orientate.
I need to focus away from the self-negativity and draw from the positive things. Again, something else I don’t think I was born with.
But heck, I believe you can teach an old dog new tricks.
And really, I don’t think I’m that old…..yet.