• 2018,  BabyA2019,  Grieving Mom

    I open Facebook to see one of those year in review posts that they do with your photos and I instantly felt anxiety creep up into my throat. 2018 was not the year I thought it would be. I can only imagine the photos the algorithm picked out. It has been the worst year of our lives. It wasn’t a year I overly want to review or celebrate. I started the year with a blog telling everyone about the 11 week pregnancy I lost over New Years that I titled, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out 2017” and the last line read, “we are entering 2018…

  • 2018

    Four

    4. This fourth year without you has been extra awful. If there was ever a time a girl needed their mother, it’s been this last year for me. I can’t even explain how heavy my heart has been and how heavy it’ll continue to be. If you were here I know you’d be walking this heartbreak with me. Truly with me, even with our provinces divide. But, I’ve found myself navigating this inexplicable loss and wondering what you might have said or feeling your warm hand between my “chicken wings”. But with all the loss of the past year, I haven’t forgotten you. Your greatest worry after passing was being…

  • 2018,  Grieving Mom

    Today is a hard day

    It’s been an ordinary day, not unlike any of the others in the past 3.5 months but today my grief metre filled and overflowed. I’m mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally broken. As I write this, this is my view: Laying broken on his bedroom floor staring at the basically life size photo his brothers require to have in here. The days where it all catches up is the worst. You think maybe, just maybe you can manage and then realize nope, not today. The toll this all has taken on our household is indescribable. My kids used to be so good with going to bed and sleeping. Not any more.…

  • 2018,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    I don’t know…

    It seems insurmountable most days. How is this my life….for the rest of my life?  There is no escaping this reality. It’s not going to “get better”. It can’t be fixed. It can’t be forgotten. I will forever have a son who now only lives in my heart and throughout our memories. There is going to be years of experiences and moments where I think “Noah would have loved this”, “Noah should be right there”, etc. I’m sure there might even be times where my mind wanders and sees him forever my 6 year year old. As this school year started, the excitement I usually have is gone. I just don’t…

  • 2018,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    Once upon a dream

    I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam And I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem But if I know you, I know what you’ll do You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream   This morning after your sister woke up at 5am, I went back to sleep and for the first time you came to me in my dream. It wasn’t until the end but we were living in Stellarton, my house was on the main street not far from where my Gram…

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