• 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    My arms are longing for 5

    ….to hold my 5 children. Not 4. 5. As I was sitting in the rocking chair that I’ve rocked all my babies in while putting Bennett to bed, his hair brushed my lips & cheek in a way that, for a brief moment, I thought I was holding you. Then I remembered. There was something pretty special about your “wild man hair” as I called it. It was uniquely yours. It was controlled chaos. We’d style your hair and 9/10 you would immediately rub it to make it stand up and go out every which way. You much preferred the un-kept look. It constantly would tickle the nose of the…

  • 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    458 days

    September 1st. Or as Elijah still mistakenly calls it sometimes, the “oneth.” Let me tell you 458 days, or 15 months, feels like a lifetime ago. I’m still not sure how I’m going to come back from this when I know you don’t. The physical pain in my chest whenever I think about that morning has not lessened. The ache is just too much. I can’t even process it most days. I’m just busy trying not to be a complete asshole to my kids because my emotional bank is pretty much full from the moment I wake up and remember my reality. The grief and sadness fills the place where…

  • 2019


    This week has been hard. There has been lots of big feelings. I did however step out of my comfort zone Tuesday evening to go to a meeting with other local Moms who lost a child. I almost backed out. The kids were wild (made me late) and my anxiety was off the charts. Those who know me well know I struggle with social anxiety and being with people who I haven’t known my whole life. I’m awkward. I’m shy. I struggle with small talk and eye contact but I put one foot in front of the other and went and I’m glad I did. It was just what I…

  • 2019

    Grief is like the Ocean

    Still drowning but learning to try and hold my own. Most days. The riptide catches me often and the treading is near impossible so I surrender to the darkness until the tides shift and I’m able to pull myself to the surface and breathe again. Today I’m drowning. Drowning in anxiety, fear, heartbreak, sadness. I see my Facebook memories from 365 days ago and I was packing my bags to head to Ontario, I was with all my kids, I was being silly with Noah at the supper table, I was feeling some anxiety as I haven’t been away from all my kids ever and I didn’t know what I…

  • 2019,  Grieving Mom

    May 28, 2019

    May 28, 2019. May 28, 2018. The world kept spinning completely oblivious to the monumental shift that occurred in my world. The peony is back about to give me it’s beautiful flowers to spread throughout my home but it’s missing my gardening sidekick who loved to pick the petals apart. As I looked at the peony today all I could see was this photo in my mind and how much I miss that sneaky snook. Watching the world continue on as nothing has changed has been some of the hardest parts. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. Looking at the plant all I could see was how…


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