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Happy Birthday Mom.

I have really missed you even more than I thought I could in these past 3 weeks. I like to think you’re watching over, maybe cuddling that sweet baby of ours, maybe eating chocolate cake with boiled frosting and listening to Johnny Reid. I pulled out ingredients to make cupcakes for you today but for some reason I just couldn’t do it. I put everything back away and just went downstairs and melted into the couch. I made sure to tell the kids it was your birthday today, even if we didn’t have cake I wanted them to know. I did make them Rice Krispie squares and John made them their favourite….pizza. They totally forgot the conversation we had I’m sure but I remembered all day and had quiet moments of remembrance & celebration in honour of you pushing back my tears. So happy birthday to you. I miss you.

Categories: 2012 | 2 Comments

11 days later

and it’s felt like an eternity but gone by in the blink of an eye.

So let me tell you about the last 11 days. John took the week off work (went back yesterday). As soon as we found out what happened he told his boss he wasn’t coming in for the week. He took on the kids needs for the week and tried to make sure I had those days and times to heal physically. I know he was is hurting but he put it all aside for me so I could stay in bed a little later in the mornings and to take it as easy as I could. I haven’t gotten groceries in over 2 weeks. He made sure kids were bathed. Laundry was done. Meals were on the table. He ran the errands. He put on a happy face for the kids and made sure they had some fun experiences on their last week of Christmas vacation. You see, I wouldn’t be where I am today in my physical healing if it wasn’t for him. This man deserves so much. It’s not easy for him either. I think a lot of people forget about the Dad when things like this happen. He gets so connected and into the pregnancy as soon as he finds out. He’s there for everything with his big cheeky grin and instantly sees our future and calms my nerves about not having a big enough house yet or possibly needing a different van. He’d tell me “it’ll work out”, “we’ll get it figured out”, “don’t worry” and I believe him. We always have and he’s just that voice of reason in my panic. You see, we have always balanced each other and he feels this loss just as deeply. Maybe differently, but just as deeply.

Then we mustn’t forget the shit show that has been pummeling us since we found out we lost BabyA 2018. The Universe hasn’t been exactly kind to us. It’s been one thing after the other and man, that has not helped the facing and coping situation.

2. We woke up 2 days later, New Years Day, to our furnace not working. John reset it and it turned on fine and heated the house but after 10 minutes or so there was a burning smell so we shut it off and made a call. So yea us, expensive call out to see WTF was the problem.

3. A couple nights later we noticed a pool around the furnace. When the guy was checking the furnace over and removed the filter he had to move the hose. He must have pulled it off so all the condensation didn’t drain like it was supposed to and collected on our furnace room floor. Fun times. John was luckily able to fix it.

4. The next morning Noah’s feeding pump gives us the error of death. On a Saturday. *whomp whomp* Syringe feeding with 3 other kids is always fun at meal times. Luckily, we called Paeds since the regular 4N we have to deal with is only weekdays they called the one who runs it at home to find the replacement pump so we could exchange our broken POS and had one for supper time.

5. Then within 36 hours of the furnace puddle, I step out of the shower and hear “drip drip drip” and there’s a puddle on my bathroom floor. Look up. Saturated spots in the ceiling. Mother f—-r. Turns out the bathroom exhaust fan tubing had disconnected so my attic filled with hot, humid air for gosh knows how long. Our crawl space is super small but my clastrophobic husband went up there and fixed that problem. But as it turns out, our roof was replaced this summer and a faulty plumbing stack was installed and also to blame. Of course. We are waiting on the roofing company to fix that part. UGH. Then we will deal with the bathroom ceiling.

6. Lastly (?) 2 nights ago we were alerted by the dog barking at 1:30am that 2 guys were breaking into our shit. I don’t think they were expecting John to come out of the house in a fit of yelling rage. But, scared them off and called the cops and never heard about it again.

But seriously, we had high expectations for 2018. Not so much yet. January can take a huge flying leap off a tall building.

We need a restart.

I still don’t think what has happened has fully sunk in. Well I know what happened so I guess what I mean is the mind-crushing grief still hasn’t hit me full force. Don’t get me wrong, I have had tears and lots of crying. Lots of questioning. Lots of worrying. Lots of wondering. I’ve read everything I can read online. I’ve responded to the messages that have been sent to me. So you can see I’m not fully avoiding it but life is happening. It’s not letting me sit and wallow like I probably need. I still can’t open my mouth and say words about our baby or what is happening or talk about the future. I physically can’t talk because the tears are right there spilling out taking my breath away. But, that’ll come in time. I think. I hope.

I’m constantly left to wonder what is “normal” and what is going to happen next. Every little thing I question, is this supposed to happen? When will this stop? When will this start? When will pregnancy tests stop being positive? Will I have complications? When will this physical torture end? What will they tell me in 6 weeks? Where do we go from here? Why, why, why, why, WHY? Questions never stop. When they do worry takes over. It’s a special kind of personal Hell that is all too familiar for many of my friends and family.

I can’t take the time to do nothing and let it all sink in as quick as I probably should. My kids need me. Someone always needs something and now that we are back in the “back to school” rush there is a strict routine and my days are pretty much laid out for me. Then evening comes and I just veg and lay with John, probably in more silence than in the past, and do nothing. We watch Roseanne or whatever else is on the DVR or I play Super Mario Run while John plays the WiiU. I can’t tell you how many levels I’ve completed and moved on to in the last 11 days. I was so far behind John and Eli that E liked to laugh at me but let me tell you, needing mindless games this past week is exactly what I needed and now I’ve pulled ahead of the guys. Stress can make you do some crazy things.

So yea, so much has happened in these first 9 days of 2018 but we are still here fighting back and facing the challenges head on as much as it all has sucked. We are veterans of shit luck.

But, Universe you can take a break from us at any time. It would be much appreciated.


Categories: 2018 | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out 2017

I’m seeing every one sitting back and reflecting on 2017 and what will be in 2018 and I don’t even know where to start. You see I thought I was going to be making a different post to end 2017 and start 2018.

In late October/early November we found our dream house. We weren’t actively looking but we happened upon it and fell in love. It was perfect. So we tried to make an offer but they wouldn’t accept one conditional on the selling of our house but we decided we would list and pray everything would fall together. It didn’t. Someone bought it as our agent was drawing up our listing and all conditions got waived. We were so sad and frustrated but on those days the universe seemed to take one dream and gave us another. We found out we were expecting a 5th baby in July, maybe s/he would make a June appearance like their early brothers. We were shocked and so happy and couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone.

Things were progressing well. My stomach was expanding. I had great ultrasounds with a strong heartbeat. I recorded the heartbeat on our Doppler. I was in that so-called “safe zone” where the risk was minimal and I was counting down the days to January 1st when we would tell everyone. Some crazy photo post with the whole family and a cheeky phrase like “we are expecting great things in 2018”. You see I wasn’t telling people because I was scared or superstitious, I just loved having the secret to ourselves and sharing our thoughts and dreams of what our new baby and family would look like. Truth be told, I was enjoying the holidays and having this amazing secret with John and I thought the New Year would bring an excitement to this “old” news since we have done it a few times already. 😉

Then came Friday, December 29th. We went to an elective scan to get some photos to share and to let the kids in on things (although I suspect Elijah already had his suspicions) and the baby and it’s heart had stopped. Little did I know on one of the most wonderful days of the year, BabyA 2018 was losing his/her fight. I was/am shocked and numb and caught completely off guard. I just turned to John and he grabbed my hand and leaned in. We had no words. Just tears. Just a few short days ago I listened to baby move and the heart beat away on my Doppler while I lay in bed. We went into the ER since it was a long weekend and no offices were open until Tuesday and I couldn’t be in this limbo for that many days at home. The nurses and Dr’s were so compassionate with me. There wasn’t much they could do but start the official diagnosis process, which couldn’t be made until I had an official ultrasound the next day. So we were sent home to await a call in the morning. The call came just before 9am. 10:30. 10:30 is when I would get official confirmation of what I already confirmed and it was going to be our own personal Hell. Then we’d have to go sit in the ER and wait. We didn’t have to wait too long but we were at the hospital for 10 hours between the appointments, referrals, waiting, & recovery time. The locum OB on call was a pretty amazing man. He was so gentle and kind and totally respected my wishes. He didn’t even question or try to steer me in another direction. He said all the “right” things and made this whole horrible process go as smoothly as it could. I’ll be forever grateful for that.

I’ll never understand why. Even though I “know” why….the medical non-explanation. I know that we had “beaten the odds” having 4 children. I know many people who have suffered miscarriages and/or still birth. I know how common it is (1 in 4) and I’ve seen how debilitating it is trying to be a shoulder to lean on with my friends. I’ve been a witness to all the well-meaning things people have said to them to make them feel better but had the complete opposite effect.

So, please don’t tell me it was for the best or that it wasn’t meant to be. These words don’t bring comfort.

Please don’t tell me it was God’s will or that my baby is now in a better place or that God needed another angel. That is easy to say when it wasn’t your baby/child that is gone.

Please don’t tell me God doesn’t give us more than we can handle or that things happen for a reason. That is not true. There is no reason for a lot of the shit luck in this world, except it was shit luck. I don’t believe that things are taken away or done to us to teach us a lesson. It’s great if a lesson is learned, but I do not believe that is why it happened.

Please, do not say things like “you’re not going to try again, are you?” or “maybe that’s a sign you’re done”. First and foremost, that is none of your business and secondly, it’s plain ol’ f’n rude so please don’t break our hearts by saying something like that.

And please don’t tell me “at least you have 4 children at home”. I know we are lucky to have the children we have. It doesn’t change the fact that this child was wanted and loved as much as my other kids. I will always wonder who s/he would have been and we need to grieve that.

I just want to be able to pick up the phone and call my Mom. That was one of my first thoughts as I was sitting in the van stunned while Elijah asked why I was crying and Oliver asked if I was feeling better now. She was the second person I called when we thought we were losing Elijah. She had such great words of comfort then and I know she would have now. She knew exactly how I was feeling and what the right words to say were. She sadly had a lot of experience in the area of miscarriage and loss. But even if she didn’t, when things like this happen you just want your Mom.

I can’t really talk about it. I’m still in the first stage of shock and denial but once the kids are in bed it’s harder to avoid so here I am. I can write until the cows come home. It’s how I processed everything once Noah was born and in the years since. It’s how I’ve processed the death of Mom. It’s just what I do. Some of it I publish, some of it remains private or some of it gets deleted. I’m just waiting for the pain and guilt and anger to set in. I’m expecting it to come in waves. Nothing can prepare you for the feeling of coming home with an empty uterus and a heart full of sadness that used to be full anticipation even when you knew that’s what the day was going to bring when you woke up.

So now, on the Eve of 2018 instead of sharing happy news with everyone I have immense sadness and grief and disappointment. I can have a stiff drink and will eat whatever junk I want. I had been so careful trying to keep the tight glucose targets for pregnant women, and now I don’t have to. So I’m going to have a stiff drink. Eat lots of sugary junk and probably order in and cry over what would have been. What dreams I had for 2018.

A beautiful line turned into that beautiful being with a strong heartbeat and 2 excited parents and my expanding belly to devastation and being the face of miscarriage and loss.

We are entering 2018 with no expectations but honestly, it can only go up from here.

“If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever” ❤️

Categories: 2017 | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments