My hiatus is over.

I’ve been away from the from the writing, journaling, blogging yet again. This time it’s because I made the choice this past year to focus on me and fixing me. I’ve finally decided that I can’t do it all myself and be super Mom without checking in with professionals and working through my baggage.

I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. Yes, you can have PTSD from being a medical parent. No, it’s not just for soldiers. I knew for a long time that was what I was suffering from but I thought I could over come it or it would go away in time or if I avoided it long enough I’d come out of it. Even though I *knew* this wasn’t the case and how it worked. I finally decided enough was enough and to face everything head on in January.

I was done feeling perpetual grief, despair, and debilitating pain and sadness around certain memories, smells, and routines. I was tired. I was ready to address it all.

It’s been a long road but I’m getting better. I’m feeling more like the “old me”. But the “old me” is now wiser with a lot more baggage. I’ve grown as a person and evolved but now some of the “old me” is in there and showing herself. I’ve got tools on how to deal with the anxiety and episodes. I’m trying to equip myself with everything I can to be the best me. The best wife. The best Mom I can be. The best woman I can be. Sure, I’m still going to struggle and have my bad days/weeks/maybe even months but acknowledging something wasn’t right has made a world of difference. EMDR has been a total game changer.

I haven’t been truly carefree and happy since March 31, 2012. I have been a ball of nerves, anxiety, grief, anger, despair, exhaustion, and you name it I probably felt it. I just kept pushing that all down. I didn’t have time. Nor the want to address these feelings. Don’t get me wrong, there were many happy times and great times and times when I was truly happy but there was always this dark cloud of shit that I haven’t dealt with lingering. That I couldn’t deal with. It would take my breath away and fill me with tears if I tried to go there. Sometimes it snuck up when I wasn’t looking. But with a supportive therapist and husband, I did go there. And I got through. It might have been messy, but I came out the other side.

It’s the dark side of this “journey” we were sent on. It’s the side you don’t really see on the internet, unless you are in the thick of it and see it with the many other parents on the same path. It’s the side you don’t have time to deal with properly until you can’t deal any more. Until you decide you can’t keep living the way you have been and find the time. That’s one of the hardest parts. My time is gone by the time I wake up each morning. I devote my hours to the kids and getting them to where they need to be and all Noah’s therapies. All this was more important than trying to “fix” me. It wasn’t until I sat down one day and realized I couldn’t keep feeling the way I was feeling and I couldn’t keep avoiding it.

There were a lot of tears. A lot of tough conversations. A lot of admitted truths. A lot of processing. A LOT. I’m still not 100%, and may never be because of the nature of everything I’ve been dealt but I’m gaining tools and the strength to work through it properly.

But I was able to realize how far I’ve come this summer when we were all driving in the van and Oliver said “Mom. You happy now. So happy.” My kids had noticed a difference in me. It made me happy, yet sad at the same time. I felt upset because it was affecting my kids more than I realized. But, that’s the great thing about kids. They loved me any way. They didn’t hold this against me. This was just a different path I had to take to get where I want to go.

So there you have it folks, my truth.

 

Categories: 2017 | 1 Comment

Past words of a loved one

I stumbled across Mom’s old blog tonight. I was using my old computer and it was one of my few bookmarks and I clicked it and was surprised it’s still there. I found myself re-reading her words and missing her.

Then I found this post from July 2011:

I read this poem today and I’m not being morbid but it expresses what I wish for as well.

Please don’t mourn for me
I’m still here, though you don’t see.

I’m right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I’m always near.
I’m everything you feel, see or hear.

My spirit is free, but I’ll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight-
I’m the brightest star on a summer night.

I’ll never be beyond your reach-
I’m the warm moist sand when you’re at the beach.

I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.

I’m the beautiful flowers of which you’re so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrops that April will bring.

I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.

I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.

I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face.
Just look for me, I’m everyplace!

*tears*

I see you in Charlotte’s face every day. She has the most you out of all my kids and each of your very own kids too.

I miss you more today than yesterday.

Categories: 2017 | Leave a comment

731 days

2 years ago.

2 years!!

You were there for my first breath and I was there for your last. The gravity of those 2 moments are not lost on me as a Mother myself. I keep remembering the feeling when my kids entered this world and then think about them having to go through this when my time comes. I wish I could spare them from this, but this is the way it “should” go. Parents shouldn’t have to bury their children but, having to say Goodbye to your Mom years too soon is hard. It’s a difficult process you cannot prepare for until it happens. You couldn’t have taught me how to live in a world without you in it. It just plain sucks. I miss you more each day. The further I get from the “last time” we (fill in the blank with whatever) the more I seem to forget, or becomes blurry. Thank goodness for technology so I can always hear your voice when I can no longer recall it from memory or I can pull up a photo of any age when I want to see your smile. I’m so grateful for that. That helps.

There has been so much I wish I could have shared with you. So many times I needed to hear your voice. So many times I needed your advice and someone to just listen to my rants and to my sadness. Someone to listen to my excitement. Someone to hear my frustration. And that someone was obviously you. I’m still trying to learn how to live in this world without you. It’s hard.

But today, we’ve dressed C in honour of you. It makes me so sad that you never got to meet her or feel her kicking around in my belly like the rest of the kids. But, she has so much of you in her smirk and she may be a peanut like you (she isn’t off the charts like the rest of them). This dress is perfect. The colour, the frills, and the sparkle has you written all over it. I’m forever grateful that it was sent to me and the story behind the dress was shared.

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So today I looked into my kids eyes and found you. The lessons. The advice. The happiness. The love. That little sparkle in the corner of their eye will always bring you back to me. For that I’m grateful.

Just know that I miss you and I will never forget you and everything you taught me and wanted me to know about this world we call home.

 

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Categories: 2016, nostalgia, Pics, reflection | 1 Comment