2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

You would have been 7.

April 1, 2019. You should have been 7. Lucky #7.

Instead, you are forever 6 and it’s exactly 10 months since you left us.

I don’t know how I’m going to process and manage the day. A birthday with no streamers and celebration.

We will of course celebrate you best we are able and remember but it won’t be a joyous celebration of yet another year under your belt wondering what this next year was going to entail.

Last year you were on the precipice of BIG things. I saw it. Everyone else saw it. You were changing. You were so strong and finally showing everyone what we already knew…how smart and adaptive you were.

It was a birthday filled with excitement and promise and lots of ice cream cake and chocolate (it was Easter after all).

Tomorrow I’m going to miss you pulling down your birthday streamers. I’m going to miss your giggles as you play with your shiny balloons and the reflections they made and the squeaky sounds you made with them. I’m going to miss watching you sing and sign “Happy Birthday” to yourself as we serenade you and bring you your cake. I’m going to miss the moment you blew out your own candles after years of trying to master this task. I’m going to miss watching you inhale your ice cream/icing as fast as you could shovel it in and swallow. I’m going to miss the laughter as you opened your cards and presents and brought the cards up to your eye and turned the cardboard over and over before inevitably throwing it on the floor before moving on to the next gift or card. I’m going to miss the joy of your siblings trying to steal your presents and take your turn and how you didn’t seem to care.

I’m really going to miss snapping your photo at your birth time and creating the annual collage and wrapping you in hugs and kisses.

You were my second born. The one who changed our lives more than we ever anticipated possible. You weren’t supposed to go first. I went back and read conversations I was having with Mom, your Nannie, as I was struggling in the NICU and not knowing what was going on with you and I read the words over and over, “I don’t care what it is, we will manage. I just care that he has a long and happy life” and do you know what, that’s all we ever wanted and what we thought was going to happen.

So this April 1st, when you should have been 7 we will be here missing you just a little bit more, if that’s possible.

I miss you. I love you. Happy Birthday Noah. <3

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