It’s true what they say. Year 2 is by far harder than year 1 after a loss of your child. I’m now longer just trying to survive all the firsts and just remembering to breathe but I’m tasked with the daunting task of trying to figure out how to live without you my dear Noah. It’s an insurmountable. It doesn’t feel possible.
I struggled with Christmas this year. I couldn’t find the excitement. I couldn’t escape the sad. I was behind on everything. I withdrew from social media. I cried almost every night while sitting in the dark nursing your brother to bed. I longed to see you staring at all the lights and laughing as you played with them or the hanging ornaments. I missed you while baking. Every time I use the hand egg beater I smiled through tears and thought of you and how you loved using that thing (I’ll never use anything else to beat eggs again). I saw where you would be sitting across from me on the island stuffing your cute little cheeks full of chocolate chips and laughing as we tell you to slow down. I missed watching you open presents on your Dad’s lap on Christmas morning. I wondered what you would have wanted for Christmas. I wondered how much you would have loved skating with Santa (one of your favourite people); what about the ride on the Polar Express?
Instead we have special ornaments on the tree. Instead we have an empty stocking hanging on the mantle. Instead we have decorations on a shelf. Instead we have a Mickey Christmas Village that we started last year to give us something to build on. Instead I cry (hard) listening to Wintersong. Instead….instead….instead.
I’d trade it all in a wink and a blink. 110%.