• 2019

    Mothers Day

    Mothers Day 2019. My last “first.” *sigh* I haven’t been looking forward to the day to celebrate Moms. Where all of social media bombards you with beautiful photos, memories, quotes of people celebrating their Mothers and their own Motherhood. And I sit here motherless with 3 angel babies and carrying Noah in my heart trying to pretend it was just another day. Just wishing it was another day. The build-up to today was actually worse than the day itself but that seems to be the same with any holiday or day of importance. It has been bittersweet since 2015 and I’ve been trying to keep it in the back of…

  • 2019

    What I wouldn’t give…

    Today I took all the kids to the grocery store to grab our weekly run and since it’s Easter break they all had to go. Some might think that’s crazy but we did a Costco run yesterday and it went so smoothly that I felt the need to challenge the universe again I guess. Today did not go as smoothly. I felt frazzled by the end. My kids were basically feral (in my eyes any way). The older women were smiling in my direction and commenting on my many helpers and polite conversation. The woman behind me in line was packing her groceries along side of me and asked how…

  • 2019,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

    You would have been 7.

    April 1, 2019. You should have been 7. Lucky #7. Instead, you are forever 6 and it’s exactly 10 months since you left us. I don’t know how I’m going to process and manage the day. A birthday with no streamers and celebration. We will of course celebrate you best we are able and remember but it won’t be a joyous celebration of yet another year under your belt wondering what this next year was going to entail. Last year you were on the precipice of BIG things. I saw it. Everyone else saw it. You were changing. You were so strong and finally showing everyone what we already knew…how…

  • 2019,  BabyA2019

    The light breaking through the clouds

    This is me minutes after giving birth to Bennett. It’s unfiltered. It’s just me in the moment. I absolutely love this photo. People have been asking how can I possibly look this good minutes after giving birth. Half joking, half serious. But honestly, it was the cumulation of 9.5 months of Hell, fear, anticipation and worry and being able to put most of it behind me. When I see this photo and I see the joy radiating from my face. I see a look in my eye that has been missing since June 1st. It’s every bit of happiness I may have stifled or pushed aside since losing Noah came…

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