Alone. To be alone.
How can I feel alone surrounded by my husband and my children? Without them I would be physically alone. Sure, people will say “you’ve got me” and all that, but do I? I know I haven’t been a great friend, the friend I was 4.5 years ago but time and all that has changed me. It changed the way people interact with me. It changed the way I interact with them. Did it change my feelings about the important people in my life? No. I know connections have been lost and I’m partially to blame and even though I have “an excuse”, I don’t.
People always go on about my strength and resilience but I don’t think they realize I’m not. I can put on the face and wear that mask but it’s not who I am. I break. I’m broken. I’m not strong. We are alone. People will tell me that’s the definition of strong but to me it’s not. I am the way I am out of fear and weakness. I put on the face and use my big girl voice but on the inside I tremble and my strong, deep voice is just a pipsqueak of a thing. If only people were in my head, if I could let people in they would see. They would see someone who “does it all” and is so “courageous” and “brave” crumbling out of fear of reaching out and being rejected. It’s easier for me to pretend all is right in the world than to risk someone letting me down. I want to keep this ideal image I have of my people and if I leave things status quo they keep their superhero cape. I wish I wasn’t this way. I wish I could be open and express how I feel while I’m in the moment, but life has taught me otherwise. How sad is that?
I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my children growing up alone. I want them to have more than I had. They aren’t. They are actually going to have less. I had 2 sets of Grandparents and a wonderful neighbourhood where we all watched out for each other and everyone I wanted and needed were within a 5 minute drive.
Now, I’m way out here and I have to explain to my oldest why he doesn’t have his Grandparents or Uncles near by like everyone else and why no one ever comes to visit him and see his toys. Why he has no close cousins. Why he has no friends who can come over. Why he is alone in his world when all he wants is closeness. His world is devastated every time we leave all those people behind from a trip. He doesn’t understand why we live out here and why those people live way over there. He just knows he loves them and misses them with his whole being. He spends weeks being doted on and then basically forgotten once we get home. I’m sure he feels he did something. Or we did something. He just wants his family.
Our world involves 6 people. 6. I love those other 5 immensely but it takes a village to raise a family I’m told.
I wish I had a village.