2 years ago.
You were there for my first breath and I was there for your last. The gravity of those 2 moments are not lost on me as a Mother myself. I keep remembering the feeling when my kids entered this world and then think about them having to go through this when my time comes. I wish I could spare them from this, but this is the way it “should” go. Parents shouldn’t have to bury their children but, having to say Goodbye to your Mom years too soon is hard. It’s a difficult process you cannot prepare for until it happens. You couldn’t have taught me how to live in a world without you in it. It just plain sucks. I miss you more each day. The further I get from the “last time” we (fill in the blank with whatever) the more I seem to forget, or becomes blurry. Thank goodness for technology so I can always hear your voice when I can no longer recall it from memory or I can pull up a photo of any age when I want to see your smile. I’m so grateful for that. That helps.
There has been so much I wish I could have shared with you. So many times I needed to hear your voice. So many times I needed your advice and someone to just listen to my rants and to my sadness. Someone to listen to my excitement. Someone to hear my frustration. And that someone was obviously you. I’m still trying to learn how to live in this world without you. It’s hard.
But today, we’ve dressed C in honour of you. It makes me so sad that you never got to meet her or feel her kicking around in my belly like the rest of the kids. But, she has so much of you in her smirk and she may be a peanut like you (she isn’t off the charts like the rest of them). This dress is perfect. The colour, the frills, and the sparkle has you written all over it. I’m forever grateful that it was sent to me and the story behind the dress was shared.
So today I looked into my kids eyes and found you. The lessons. The advice. The happiness. The love. That little sparkle in the corner of their eye will always bring you back to me. For that I’m grateful.
Just know that I miss you and I will never forget you and everything you taught me and wanted me to know about this world we call home.