Why? Not sure.
Or am I?
You can’t tell on the outside, but I feel it. I think.
I’m loving work. I’m loving the kids. I’m liking where we are right now. But something is lacking. I lost a fire. I’m feeling very unproductive at home. I’m not feeling like “me”. I’m not being the person, the wife, the daughter, the sister, the friend I’ve always been/I want to be. I have no idea why.
I’m constantly tired. I feel withdrawn and alone up here. Yes, before I get flamed I have John and he’s awesome, nothing has changed there but I can still feel alone. He’s busy getting edumacated to get out of here and I’m working all day with no adult contact. It’s hard. I want to sit down with some friends and laugh or veg. or shop or talk or cry. It’s not the same over the phone. Not the same at all. I feel so disconnected.
How can it be when I feel so happy and rewarded with work and in our marriage but then not. I’m what one would call a dichotomy of epic proportions.
So much running in this mind. Trying to keep a balance. Trying to keep up the front. Trying not to let the hurt and panic and worry and loneliness show. That’s tiresome work in itself, let alone combining that with playing with kids from 8-5.
I don’t know what I hope to accomplish with this pointless blog. Probably nothing. It’s the first everyone is probably hearing about this. I’m not going to be the “downer” friend. I’m not going to be that person who pulls everyone else down. I will get through this. This sense of slump I’m experiencing will go away, this I know. I just don’t know when .
I guess I have to figure out why. Actually narrow it down. Confront it. But really, there isn’t enough time in the day nor do I want to distract the people who need to be focused.
It’s not a slump if you’re being productive is it?
I’m not depressed either so don’t even think it. (lol)
I feel like I’m not holding up my end of things. Where you ask. Everywhere. I’m letting the rope slip away everywhere. I can’t do simple things. I keep procrastinating. It’s so unlike me. Well, not the procrastinating part really because I am the queen of procrastination but I am normally on top of life things. It’s school and work I’m the master of procrastinating. I’ve never been one to put off important life things before. I feel like I’m starting.
I’m becoming the person I don’t want to be. The person I always said I wouldn’t become.
I feel like I’m becoming dependent on people and things. Again something I don’t want to be. I’m strong. I’m independent. I am able to take care of myself but at this point in time, I don’t know if I’m any of that.
I’m struggling to find my place in this world. Where do I fit in? I’m almost 27 and still struggling with the questions that have plagued me since I was pre-puberty. It’s rather frustrating. I love what I do but I need more, financially. I’ve never been one to put money before happiness and I’m scared this is what is coming. How can I give up a job I love to something that will take the reward/joy out? I don’t think it’s worth it. Do you?
People will say you gotta do what you gotta do. But do you know what. It’s not their life. It’s mine. If I leave this path that I love, how long would have to stay off until I could go back. The all-mighty dollar is always running lives. No matter where you are, what you do, or what you make there is always more. It isn’t going to be a quick trip either if I divert. Is it worth it? Probably not. Definitely not. There is always something. There’s always more.
What a dreadful word.
Hopefully this “slump” ends soon as people can’t read long reflections like this very often. I’m surprised you’ve stuck around. Read my craziness and see it for what it is.
Kudos to you.