• 2018,  Grieving Mom,  JAA,  reflection,  Relationships

    12 Years

    Yesterday marked 12 years since I walked down the aisle to the most amazing human I have the pleasure of spending my days with. It is the first year I didn’t make a publicly acknowledge or write a blog or do much of anything to say that it was our anniversary. Heck, privately we didn’t really acknowledge it either. We woke and said “happy anniversary” and then I apologized that I didn’t do¬†anything this year. No card. No surprises. No plans. Nada. Nothing. John didn’t either. We were on the same page that this year luckily, we just didn’t feel like celebrating. And that is perfectly ok. Just a hug…

  • 2018,  Baby A,  BabyA2012,  family,  reflection

    E’s words for Noah

    Saying Elijah is devastated is an understatement but he is so strong. He was determined to read the words he wrote in front of every one. Here are the beautiful words he wrote for his brother. We will always remember you Noah. You will always be in our hearts. And we will always think of you every day and every night. You were always so funny. We all loved your toys and watching you play with your toys, especially alien. We liked the library books you picked and we will always love you forever in our hearts. I loved sitting beside you at supper, lunch, and breakfast. I loved how…

  • 2018,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom,  reflection

    My words for Noah

    I could have written for hours. For days. There was so much I could say and that I wanted to say but I settled for what I needed to say. I wish I could have read these words out loud myself but most of the time now I can’t even open my mouth to speak. The tears just flow. My eyes hopefully telling every one what I want to be saying when my actual words are failing. Sorrow. Torment. Love. Thank you. One week ago today I was crawling out of bed to start our usual morning routine when everything came shattering down around us. I still don’t think it…

  • 2018,  reflection

    6 3

    Happy Birthday Mom. I have really missed you even more than I thought I could in these past 3 weeks. I like to think you’re watching over, maybe cuddling that sweet baby of ours, maybe eating chocolate cake with boiled frosting and listening to Johnny Reid. I pulled out ingredients to make cupcakes for you today but for some reason I just couldn’t do it. I put everything back away and just went downstairs and melted into the couch. I made sure to tell the kids it was your birthday today, even if we didn’t have cake I wanted them to know. I did make them Rice Krispie squares and…

  • 2017,  reflection

    An angel in the shape of my Mom

    I have had so much anxiety about today. I have felt it building as this day grew closer and closer. It’s an inexplicable feeling I don’t wish upon any one. I went to bed last night remembering how 3 years ago when I woke up we were going to have to have our final goodbyes. My cheeks burning with tears just as they did that night and many, many days after. Just as they are today. So much I haven’t been able to share with you. So much advice I haven’t been able to get. So many back and forths over trivial things no one seemed to care about but…

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