2012

Today is a hard day

It’s been an ordinary day, not unlike any of the others in the past 3.5 months but today my grief metre filled and overflowed.

I’m mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally broken.

As I write this, this is my view:

Laying broken on his bedroom floor staring at the basically life size photo his brothers require to have in here.

The days where it all catches up is the worst. You think maybe, just maybe you can manage and then realize nope, not today.

The toll this all has taken on our household is indescribable. My kids used to be so good with going to bed and sleeping. Not any more. It’s a battle of anxiety and fear. They cry out that they are scared, that they can never be alone, that they don’t want to die, and they are up and down all night or really early in the morning. Then the rare mornings they somehow sleep in we grab the monitor and zoom in looking for any sign of their chest rising and falling and fighting the urge to bust down doors. I understand this is all a part of this awful process but it’s physically tiring on John and I. Then I feel guilty that I’m so exasperated and tired when I should be supportive and understanding. I just need my kids to feel safe and sleep again. Like I said, I understand why we can’t but it makes this impossible situation harder.

It makes moments like this happen. You push through and push through and you give and give until you can’t and you find yourself laying on your sons floor in a pool of tears holding his minion toy his sister just gave you to hold.

Today was is a hard day.

One Comment

  • Stewart Robertson

    Big Hugs Laura.
    I have had many days where Noah popped into my mind and I will cry for hours. I have never felt loss like this before either, and I know that it is much harder for you, but it isn’t easy being so far away not being able to spend some time with the others. Noah will always be with us all and he just has to remind us that he is. I am so glad that I got to see him and spend time with him, and hold him, when you guys were home for Nan’s burial. There will be days where it will seem impossible to move forward without him, but hopefully it gets easier. There is a huge hole in my heart as well that will never heal and he will never be forgotten, that’s for sure.

Leave a Reply

Follow

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: