2018,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

I don’t know…

It seems insurmountable most days.

How is this my life….for the rest of my life

There is no escaping this reality. It’s not going to “get better”. It can’t be fixed. It can’t be forgotten. I will forever have a son who now only lives in my heart and throughout our memories.

There is going to be years of experiences and moments where I think “Noah would have loved this”, “Noah should be right there”, etc. I’m sure there might even be times where my mind wanders and sees him forever my 6 year year old.

As this school year started, the excitement I usually have is gone. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this day after day, month after month, year after year. Noah will be forever 6. Forever in Kindergarten. When taking the first day photos all I see is the glaring hole where he should be. The missing photos of his cheeky grin, jingling alien, and the terror he would try to cause. He’d kick or tip over the sign, no fail and then laugh and laugh at our misfortune. He thought he was sooo funny. I don’t know how I’m going to go from year to year, I really don’t. It’s like he’s going to be left behind and my heart breaks.

I have noticed how much Noah’s absence is highlighting how he was the link between all the kids. The common denominator. Elijah looks so big compared to Oliver and Charlotte. Oliver and Charlotte are so close in age and have a bond and are on the same level for the most part so he’s constantly trying to fit in or make them fit into his games. My how 8 years seems so big now. He’s missing his missing piece, the person who drew them all together and made it a unit. Made the age gap not seem so spread out. I know 4 years isn’t much but when you’re a kid and teenager, it kind of is. He lost his under 2 year buddy and bond and we have to find a way to feel ok with that.

These last 3 months have felt like an eternity. It’s going to be years and years without my second born creating his unique chaos and filling lives with mischief and cuddles. I don’t know where the strength is going to come from for years…I just don’t know.

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