2018,  BabyA2012,  Grieving Mom

12 weeks

It’s *only* been 12 weeks today. It feels like an eternity. We’ve been missing you more this week. It seems to be a common trend. Each week the pain, the grief, the missing you grows and grows. I think my mind is still trying to protect my heart from the reality of it all even though there is no escaping it. This has been the longest 12 weeks of my life.

I’m dreading the back to school rush and excitement. I want to be taking your picture in front of our purple door and watch you excitedly go to school. I just still can’t comprehend you are gone. You should be going into grade 1. You should be with your friends all day and greet us as you get home from a full day of school. We should be blending batches of food. We should be mixing tons of yogurt with maple syrup daily. I stopped making yogurt since you passed you know. I will soon start again. The amount of yogurt eaten in this house has seriously declined and I just took so much joy in making the yogurt for you. I know your brothers love the yogurt too but not like you did. So much “gogurt” every week. 

I wonder what you would have been for Halloween this year. Charlotte chose Elsa (no surprise there), Oliver Spider-Man (again no surprise), and Eli wanted to be an Incredible but we haven’t found a costume that will fit him yet so he’s to be decided. I think a Minion might have been your winner though. “banana!”

People ask what we’ve been up to this summer or how was your summer and I honestly have no clue how to answer. It’s been difficult. We haven’t done much that is worth talking about. I dread that part of the back to school rush and running into staff and parents making small talk and forgetting or trying to be polite. I dread small talk but even more so now.

12 weeks and 1 day ago we were blissfully unaware and happy. How I wish we could go back to that little big man. This morning one of your brothers ran up and down the stairs making this noise that I could have sworn was you. Your Dad even stopped and said “what’s that?” I knew he was hearing the same thing I was. Oh how I wish it were true. We miss you.


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