• 2012

    Four

    4. This fourth year without you has been extra awful. If there was ever a time a girl needed their mother, it’s been this last year for me. I can’t even explain how heavy my heart has been and how heavy it’ll continue to be. If you were here I know you’d be walking this heartbreak with me. Truly with me, even with our provinces divide. But, I’ve found myself navigating this inexplicable loss and wondering what you might have said or feeling your warm hand between my “chicken wings”. But with all the loss of the past year, I haven’t forgotten you. Your greatest worry after passing was being…

  • 2012

    Today is a hard day

    It’s been an ordinary day, not unlike any of the others in the past 3.5 months but today my grief metre filled and overflowed. I’m mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally broken. As I write this, this is my view: Laying broken on his bedroom floor staring at the basically life size photo his brothers require to have in here. The days where it all catches up is the worst. You think maybe, just maybe you can manage and then realize nope, not today. The toll this all has taken on our household is indescribable. My kids used to be so good with going to bed and sleeping. Not any more.…

  • 2012,  2018,  BabyA2012,  family

    I’m going to be raw here. My boys aren’t sleeping well. They are afraid to go to sleep. They are afraid they aren’t going to wake up. They need someone with them and even when they do manage sleep they are restless and frightened and sad. How do I comfort them and make them understand that sleep won’t hurt them when all they know is Noah went to sleep and never woke up?! My poor kids, who also loved Noah with every inch of their being, are struggling with managing emotions that I, as an adult can’t even comprehend and explain. This is the absolute worst pain I could feel…

  • 2012

    Finding my Village

    I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t do what you do. You are so strong. Phrases I’ve heard a lot over my life, especially over the last 3 years. And I will counter with: “Do what?! Love my children? Do what’s best for my kids? Make sure my kids are happy, healthy, and have a roof over there head?” It’s the same thing the people who are telling me they don’t know how I do it, are doing. The exact same thing. I just may have a few different steps. “I’m not strong.” Let me tell you. Resilient? Yes, maybe. Strong? Meh. I can put up appearances and I’m good at…

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