One Insomniac’s Tirades

Well here it is 9:16am on Wednesday….I’ve been up for about an hour and got John to school. Mind you he was late but we figured eating breakfast and making a lunch would be the best choice because he’s at school for a full 9 hours today. A few minutes late is no big deal. My plan was to come home and go back to bed for a few hours…however, here I am in my big comfy bed on the internet.

I’ve tried sleeping and I just tossed and turned. I figure if I read….or better yet, blog it might get me to sleep. I had a great nights rest for once and was not ready for getting up today. hehe I can’t remember how on earth I managed to get up early and be at work for 8. It all seems like such a distant memory when in reality it was not that long ago. But man, I’m tired…oh so tired…just exhausted to my very core and nothing is seeming to “fix” me. I should really get to the Dr. I have a feeling my anemia is probably back. Just some iron supplements and I could be well on my way to being full of energy yet again. This isn’t the tired that comes from doing too much either…it’s pure exhaustion all the time. I sleep 8 hours and wake up like I had hardly slept a wink. What is wrong with me? I would like to get this figured out before starting work for the summer.

That brings me to another point. Work. A summer job. I can’t even describe how worried I am about this whole summer job thing…I’ve never had problems finding work and here I am with a month to go and everything is up in the air. I worry. I don’t want to not work this summer. I want to get a jump start on bills and whatnot. I want to feel fulfilled and happy working with kids. Not too much to ask I dare say. Sometimes I wonder if I could just go to Halifax and work and come home to John on the weekends. But I think that would be really too rough. We shouldn’t be apart that long for 4 months. We are newlyweds for petes sake and can finally have “our” time that we have been lacking since the day we got back from our honeymoon. Yea, we technically won’t have “our” time until the weekends when we hope to come back to our home to have alone time and time to decompress from the work week.

Sometimes I feel sad that John and I have yet to fully experience married life. We haven’t had the carefree 8 months that we were hoping for….life happens…but Mom is all better now, John is on his way to being able to use 2 feet again, and all that jazz. We just can’t wait for the day that it will be just us. No one else. No crazy life drama hours away. We want to be able to sleep with the door open, lay on the couch all day, sleep in the living room if we so desire, dance around in our underwear (ok that’s something I do, not John. hehe)… soon it will be. Soon we can have that…at least for 8 more months. It will be a sweet, sweet time. We look at it like we get another year to be newlyweds…something many people only get one year of. It’ll be another fresh start and something “new and exciting” to keep that feeling. The feeling we’ve had all year that we are the same people, same couple, but yet so different. We’ve had a rough year with ups and downs…many family issues have arisen but we’ve overcome and hope to never see things and feel things like that again. We deserve that I’d say. One year with minimal stresses and time to just be.

There is something to be said for being married. I can’t explain the change. There just is a change and it’s for the better. I never thought it was possible to feel closer and more in tune with John than we already were but now there is this new connection enhancing all the feelings of yesteryear. It’s crazy. I still have many moments when I forget that I’m married but then it all comes back to me and it’s all so new. This may sound cheesy or something, but really it’s not when you are on the inside looking out. I hope it’s not when people look at John and I either…I don’t think, ok I know we aren’t that couple that make people nauseous (I guess we’ll be able to judge that for ourselves when we look at the wedding video, lol. Hopefully we aren’t that couple. hehe). Hopefully people look at us and just know.

Don’t get me wrong though, marriage is hard work.

It’s not all sugar canes and gum drops. It takes work. And just like any job or work situation you need to be prepared. You need to be well informed. You need to be ready to struggle and to have triumphs. Having that paper does change things, ever so slightly in our case. You have to enter into marriage with an open mind and knowledge and understanding of the person standing beside you. You should know all their deepest secrets, their finances, their religious beliefs, how many children, how they handle stresses, what they expect/believe a husband or wife is to be and the list goes on. There is so much to discuss and debate until the answer is reached. They should be the first person you call or reach out to (in most cases) in a crisis situation…if not, ask yourself some important questions. Just because marriage changes things doesn’t mean people change. Suddenly they won’t stop leaving there socks inside out and balled up in the hamper 😉 or suddenly stop being so quick to yell. We are testaments to that (You can probably guess who is guilty of what. hehe). The person you choose to marry will be the same person who lays next to you each and every night. They are constant. Our marriage has been full of work, but it’s totally been worth it.
I’m up for a good challenge any day. Bring it!