2013,  reflection



Something can be said for all we’ve gone through. It’s given me severe anxiety in certain situations. It doesn’t take much to make me flashback.

There’s the smell that is in the MH NICU. Well that whole wing. Since the entrance shares the hallway to L&D it has a smell and atmosphere all to it’s own. It instantly can throw me back into one of the darkest times in my life and make me an emotional mess.

There are certain wings and rooms in ACH that does the same. Even certain Doctors.

There are deodorants, soaps, hand sanitizers, and even certain food & drinks that make me relive it all. It all brings my mind back to moments I may very well want to forget all together.

But today. Independence Day for my friends and family down south. July 4th. It brings back anxiety and restlessness and fear. I do not feel like celebrating. So luckily for us I am Canadian and we celebrate on July 1st (& celebrate we did).

I knew last July 4th was traumatizing to say the least; what I didn’t expect was the days leading up to it this year to be filled with so much emotion and anxiety. It is just a day. It was a day unlike any other but it’s over. We are stronger. We have come a million miles further, but all was forgotten and that fearful part of me was brought back to the forefront last night and this morning. It took me a bit to figure out why I was so weepy and emotional and had this pit in the bottom of my stomach, but when I opened my calendar the other day it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I almost lost little man last July 4th.

I will never forget that day. EVER. I will never forget how I felt. I will never forget how much I pleaded with little man and the universe. I will never forget how frantic I became and how hard I cried. I was a f’n mess to put it bluntly.

I just didn’t realize how strong of a connection I have now made to that date.

I’m eagerly awaiting tomorrow. If we get through today we have made it a year and a day and somehow it feels like a big deal. It’s another small milestone along our very long journey.

I could just do without the throwbacks. I remember and will never forget but I could do without the reliving.



  • lisa

    Love you! I totally understand what you mean and certain things can trigger my panic attacks and I didn’t go through what you did. Today is July 5th and I know you guys were making good memories today. It will get better 🙂

  • Mom

    I never saw this positing until just now. I’m sorry you had such a rough day with such memories. My hope is that as the years go by with Noah that that horrible day will become a faint memory (yes, you’ll never forget it totally) with the help of all the positive and wonderful memories that have happened since and are to happen in the days and years ahead. Noah shows us all everyday what a fighter and trooper he is. You give him strength to fight and he gives you strength to deal with things as do John, Elijah and all of us. Rock on Ashton family! I love you all! 🙂

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