Just days away from our anatomy scan. The anxiety is building. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited but there is this nagging voice in my mind prepping me for bad news. It doesn’t make sense in that I’ve never gotten bad news at an ultrasound or echo, just got a big ol’ surprise after labour but I can’t tell you the number of minutes, probably hours, I’ve spent staring at the ultrasounds I’ve had done and analyzing each little thing. The growth of this baby, the heart rate, my glucose levels, etc. You name it, I’ve studied and compared it to previous pregnancies, which is ridiculous because it will tell me NOTHING. But still, I do it.
It’s funny because I’ll stare at the same ultrasound photos and see a normal-large jaw and then another I think it’s a small jaw like his/her brother. I’ll stare at the head like suddenly the ears will appear and jump out at me and show me what they look like, which is ridiculous. I know it is. But I can’t help myself. I just stare and wonder and worry and get scared and get excited all in one.
They can give me an “all looks good” on Friday and I’m still going to sit on pins and needles. I’ve heard it all before. I’ve done well being positive about this, because deep down I feel all will be well, but I can’t shake this nagging that appears before each test and ultrasound. It’s a fear of another shoe going to drop. I can only hope the results are back by Christmas. It’s going to be close. If it’s not back before the holidays, I’m scared it’s going to get lost in the shuffle if it takes more than 5 weeks. I just want to know before the start of 2014. I want time to process whatever I’m told.
I know the “odds” are in our favour. 98/99 of 100 babies are CHARGE-free after a baby with CHARGE and those are great odds….. if only I didn’t know N’s odds. So numbers really don’t mean anything to me at this point. Sure 1-2% sounds great, but N was 0.001% so compare those 2 together and you see where my hesitation and fear may come from.
I also thought we would know this baby’s sex by now but AHS didn’t approve funding for the RAD (aka FiSH) results so we might be finding out on Friday. We had plans to have it written down and find out at home but that’s when I thought it was going to be told to us over the phone.Then they moved our ultrasound a week earlier meaning the results for sure won’t be back yet. Now we can probably find out in room but we’ve had a reveal planned so we are trying to stick to it. We will get it written down by them or a friend or we will wait until the first part of the genetic results come back so we can stick to our original plan. We want a surprise and a celebration of sorts and honestly, if the tech told us it’s a girl in the room I wouldn’t believe it until genetics proved it so we might as well wait. But we will see what we feel like on Friday but I’m hopeful we can stay strong and wait like we had planned. I know, this might seem almost frivolous at this point but focusing on gender is what has kept me going. It’s given me something to focus on and something to celebrate. No matter what any ultrasound or genetics tell us, I will be celebrating “what” this baby is. Healthy or not there will be a mini party over whether this baby is a boy or girl. Whenever I’m going through something stressful I have a vice that gives me tunnel vision and allows me to keep going. In this instance, it’s this baby’s sex. Once we know, I will have to find something else to throw my concentration on I’m sure. But until then, I examine this baby’s ultrasounds and speculate if it’s a boy or girl based on wives tales and educated guesses. FYI: Most people think it’s a girl. But most people thought N was a girl too…. 😉
Onwards and upwards and this anxiety will pass…